Dead tired.
March 8, 2010Mood: severe laziness–beach hammock level
Earcandy: Two | Up Dharma Down
One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.
23 missed calls. 18 text messages.
What if I had answered them all? What if I replied to every message? It would mean giving them a piece of my heart, a thing that I simply can’t share. I don’t even have the strength to tell them what I feel and what I don’t:
Stop. You have a girlfriend.
No. Your dreams don’t match my dreams.
Please, we were over a long time ago.
I can’t. I don’t know who you are.
I’m tired. I just want to close my eyes hoping it all goes away.
Wait until I offer. Please, just wait.
Hit Confession #1: a cause des garcons
March 6, 2010Alice means LSD. ungrammatical hair critters. shrooms. stripper friends. herbs. veggies. go vegan, Hero of the Underworld!
A, you’re adorable. B, you’re so beautiful. C, you’re so cute and full of Charm. a cause de garcons! Yelle it!
What I lack in insight, I make up for it in experience. I’m not a very perceptive person–I wouldn’t know what’s behind another person’s actions unless they tell me. I take every moment, good or bad, like it is meant to happen. The reasons behind it matter, but finding them out I don’t bother. I react the way I should in accordance to how I or someone else I know went through a relatively similar situation. I’ve encountered various personalities–from bitches, fuck-ups, drug addicts, homosexuals, to angels, do-gooders, and morally-upright characters. I’ve seen too many riots, ecstasy parties, illegal races, blowjobs in bathroom stalls. Key bumps in the next cubicle. Abortions in public transportation. Sex tapes in the making. Bedbugs drilling holes into vagina-less female bedbugs. Beards growing longer and longer in heightened anticipation of sex. Skinny dipping in the fountain square. Banana-flavoured edible thongs. Venus observa. Asthmatics only need natural antihistamine. People who have zits are virgins. Orgasming like a pig. Fornicate Under the Command of the King.
That being said, my mind is desensitised.
Fuck you, A, B and C! You all know who the fuck you are. I’m not a piece of meat you people can prey over. And I’m a fucking vegan! Mio Dio, I can hear my little Bianco crying for me…
I’m off to the party, bitches! You remain uninvited. Blog before the party. Blog after the party. If I don’t fucking pass out.
Angry Confession #2: Battle of the Exes
March 5, 2010The doorbell rang. The barely audible sounds that filled my living room died down with a somewhat defeated sigh from my… friend or lover? I can’t make out the line. It has become blurry, and my eyes already hurt from all the squinting.
As I stood up to get the door, she lifted her eyes from the floor to meet my own. Her amber stare was outlined with disappointment caused by the interruption.
After a consenting nod from her, I walked barefoot to the door, passing by the cluttered mahogany desk where pictures of us were spread. Sinister grins and wild hair and glistening bottles and fuck you’s captured in celluloid.
“Brian. What are you doing here?” I said cautiously after I was greeted with the sight of my ex-boyfriend at the door. His hands were tucked behind him as if he was hiding something.
He gave me an economical smile, if it was a smile at all. He used to frown at me and grab my waist and kiss me roughly as his trademark hello. He wasn’t allowed to do that now. Apparently, he thought the usual frowning wasn’t allowed too. At least, not when he was still trying to make amends with me.
“Alice. Can I pick you up after your Accounting class? I’ll take you to Azzuro.” He cocked a brow on the last word. He wanted to take me to the restaurant where we had our second date. If this didn’t tell you he was confident, then his upright stance added with the graffiti of tattoos on his arms and chest exposed by his vneck tee was proof enough.
“Sure. You can join me and Ashley, but we’re lunching at Global,” That was Ashley’s favourite place, I wanted to say, but I never had the chance to speak. Ashley came up behind me and I could feel her glaring even though I didn’t turn around.
Brian’s non-smile twisted into a sneer. “Perhaps another time then, when that dyke isn’t around.”
I swear I had heard myself protest, “Brian!” but I was suddenly out of the picture.
“Tangina. I can’t believe you still have the balls to come here!”
“Tumahimik ka nga, pwede ba? I’m talking to Alice, not you. Dyke.”
“Fuck you!”
“No thanks, bitch. Not even if I was desperate!”
“Bullshit. You fucked Alice and screamed it to the world!”
“Siyempre, girlfriend ko siya noon, tinga! Just admit you’re pissed that she isn’t a lesbian anymore!”
“You ignorant arse! Forgot already why she left you?”
“I’m pretty sure it isn’t because of you of all people!”
“Shut up!” I burst into their scene and yelled. “Just shut up, both of you! Why the fuck do you keep doing this to me?!”
I grabbed my shoes, bag, and car keys and sprinted out the door. It was the third time this week that they fought over a petty little reason.
In the corner of my eye a blue rose was clutched tightly in Brian’s left hand. My favourite flower. In the millisecond that I blinked I could imagine the tattoo of a blue rose on his chest, right above where his heart lay. I swallowed down a sob.
“Alice!” It was Ashley.
I ignored her. I glared at the floor as I walked, still barefoot, trying to block out the image of her eyes cast down before they met my own. I could feel their gaze on my neck, making me shiver. It renewed my distress as I pressed the call button on the elevator. How many times do they have to fight? How many times do I have to tell them that I want to keep them both? If they truly cared for me, they should have followed my simple request for a truce. My legs were shaking with rage as I slipped on my Lanvins. It was the only piece of comfort I had so far today; wash day.
The mirrored walls of the elevator. How I hate this place. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE TO THE WORLD, it seemed to scream. My white top was creased at odd places, my jeans still unbuttoned. My face flushed, my lips pressed to a thin line. I wish someone would tell me what the hell was so attractive about this image enough to be fighting over it.
I buttoned my jeans and straightened my top. Then I rummaged my bag for my phone and call blocked Ashley and Brian after sending them both the same message:
“I’ve moved on. Have you?”
An Afternoon {excerpt}
March 2, 2010
This is all baby A’s fault. Look at what you made me do, you insufferable tease! No, I won’t be writing about your favourite character. I’m afraid I’m not as fond of Nao as I am of Shizuru, but not as fond as I am of you of course. So read this, slut! It’s not finished, and it’s all because of you!
. . .
It would be so easy to trivialise the issue of her sexuality like everyone else who didn’t know of her current situation. They would say it was only the natural flow of things, that she would grow out of that supposed phase of preferring women over men. And Shizuru had humoured them, gave them a man who could provide her with children and a fat enough bank account that she would never have to work a day in her life. But what they would say if they actually knew—either she was a very confused individual or that her boyfriend was incompetent in bed. But it was neither. The nitty-gritty of it all was that Shizuru Fujino had a boyfriend, and she was sleeping with woman.
Of course, there was no actual sleeping that occurred on her part. They met each other in the afternoon. How convenient. It ruled out the possibility of the dreaded morning after, and sex in the day made their short trysts all the more casual, like sliding your panties down to take a piss before pulling it back up again. Wash your hands, fix yourself up in the mirror, and simply leave.
Except she never left, at least, not first. She would linger and wait for a confrontation after it all, waited for the equivalent of a morning after that would ultimately never come. She waited for an intermission, as if she wasn’t aware that their purpose had been fulfilled, and that they were at the end the moment Natsuki heaved the last satisfied breath. Natsuki would fold herself away to the side to sleep, or pretend to be sleeping, as though the day was over even before the sun had disappeared.
Why had she gotten herself into this? Simple. It was all of her dreams coming true when Natsuki came closer and closer when she moved against her body and breathed heavily against her ear as they fucked—yes, they fucked and there was no other word for it—creating a temperature between them hotter than the midsummer day. She would always wonder from whom Natsuki had learned those wonderful little tricks that pleased her so. The steadiness of her pace, the firmness of her touch, and the sheer confidence she exuded that was so opposite to her hesitant nature before. She was not one to complain, however, when Natsuki was resolute on thoroughly satiating her. And she would never be too tired to eagerly return the favour to Natsuki, and Natsuki allowed her without constraint. But when it was all over—oh god, it always over too soon—Natsuki would drift out of reach like saying her name would imply; Na-tsu-ki. One tap of the tongue on the teeth, the second syllable an impatient tut merely grazing the roof of the mouth, then a final thrust of air passing through the lips that carried the beautiful name away…
Connect the dots.
March 1, 2010
she knows all my favourite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots …
It was so simple being with you. A gentle laugh in my ear, a casual touch on the skin of my wrist, a look that lingers long enough on my lips. It all begins with an inside joke with our last names. Tan-Ong. Tanong. In Tagalog, it means question. But there is never any question. There is never any awkwardness between us even after everything. Even after I allowed myself to be open and vulnerable in front of you, over you, beneath you… Do you know what you are doing to me? You make me trust like never before. You smile, and I know your body is mine, yet your eyes tell me your heart is not.
But it doesn’t matter. All I need is your lips and your hands, and everything is right in my world.
Oh yes, and your kinky tricks, too ; )
