Love (?) Confession #1: Hey [Brian], I’m ready to be heartbroken. Are you?

When people ask me, ‘Guys or girls? Which do you prefer more?’, I give them a sore little frown for asking such a tedious question. Can’t I appreciate both sexes? I can admit to be more attracted to girls physically but relationship-wise, there are some aspects that girls can’t handle very well. That is applicable to guys as well, but it would be a long discussion if I had to elaborate. 

I’m not a lesbian. I’m not straight. And I’m not confused, either. I’m bi, and that’s that. It somehow fits my capricious personality. That, or I just want the best of both worlds. I’m really not ashamed of it, I just like the idea of not limiting myself to guys, especially when I meet a girl whom I find attractive. I don’t have to think, whoa this is a girl, you can’t be attracted to her. But why the hell not? If she’s flirting back, it’s obviously a sign that she isn’t ashamed of it too.

Some think that bisexuality is gross. One of them would be my best friend Ashley who is a diehard lesbian. I should know, since I had a serious relationship with her once. But now, I find myself in a relationship with a guy  who is as full  of contradictions as Ashley.  When I started dating my current boyfriend Brian, Baby A naturally disapproved that I re-switched teams. Though I do understand, since I was with her before I dated Brian. She asks me the usual questions like, ‘What do you see in him? All I see is a human canvas wasted on with doodles. Is his dick covered in tattoos too?‘ She wasn’t even trying to be funny, although her sarcasm can be misleading at times. Hell, everything about her is misleading. If I would relate her to a fictional character, it would have to be Nao Yuuki of Mai-Hime. She (my friend) enjoys leading guys on and killing their ego right after like a black widow, and it’s so easy since she is one of the hottest girls I’ve ever known. After she reels them in, she goes ‘I’m sorry, but I’m into girls.’ I keep asking her if she’s a man-hater, but she just rolls her eyes and laughs. Still, even if she is a cold-hearted bitch, she’s one of the few people who understands me. She may think my being bi is gross, but she loves my stinking guts all the same. Hate the person’s flaw, but not the person herself. This is the reason I was so into her, aside from the fact that she’s total eye-candy of course. And so in time, she learned to accept Brian after much prodding.

While I would prefer not to answer Ashley’s second question, her first one is something I can talk about. What do I see in Brian? I see a guy who cares enough for me to wake me up in the morning when I have volleyball practise, even when he’s not supposed to be up at 4AM. I see a guy who looks so tough on the outside with his tattoos, his piercings, and the pissed off expression peretually etched on his face, only to see him crying at my doorstep because his dad is a wanker. I see a guy who is misunderstood by everyone who claims to know him, thinking that he’s a jerk, but the only truth in that is how he’s a jerk when people he doesn’t even know claim to know him, knowing nothing at all. I’ve never let his appearance  or his supposed “image” stop me from getting closer to him.

Admittedly, I’m only speaking as a friend. I care about him so much, but I can’t say that I’m in love with him, since I would be unecessarily romanticising if I did. I think we partly gave in to the attraction because people kept telling us that we look good together. And now I can’t help but feel that our relationship is contrived. It’s like we only made it exclusive just to avoid the term “friends with benefits” which I absolutely hate (it’s not cool, period). With that sentiment, I’m beginning to feel like I’m stuck in the middle of staying together without ever being in love, or breaking up and possibly ruining a beautiful friendship. My boy is so fragile about things like that. My heart is fucking breaking just thinking about it.

He doesn’t know about this blog, so he won’t be reading my Love(?) confession. Although part of me wish he did.